Happy Mother's Day, Daddy!

Now for a belated Mother's Day post... Well, it turns out HJ really loves Mother's Day. Last weekend's festivities included a fancy brunch where she had her fill of her favorite foods (watermelon, bacon, and oatmeal) and a "Mommy and me" garden tea party with cupcakes, crafts, and balloons, after which she basically asked, Why we do this? "It's for Mother's Day," I told her, and I could see from her expression that she wasn't sure what that was, but it didn't really matter because it meant lots of fun with her favorite people, Daddy, Mimi eemo (my sister), Ha-Ji (grandpa), and Nee (grandma).

Breakfast on Sunday was special pancakes made by Daddy, at church she got to make a purple flower pen and decorate a card, and Mimi, Ha-Ji, and Nee all came over for dinner and cake, and she couldn't stop saying "Happy Mother's Day!" very exuberantly to everyone, including Sol and my dad. Even as the week has gone on, she likes to say with a big smile, "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy (or Daddy!)" whenever she thinks of it.

Honestly, during the past few weeks I haven't had my best mothering moments. But luckily, as I've mentioned before, HJ has a lot in common with her daddy. Sol and HJ just get each other, so Sol was doing his best to explain our daughter's perspective to me when I was frustrated with HJ's inability to get over small issues. Lately, we've had a lot of meltdowns (both HJ and me) over not being able to find things. I fully admit that this has to do with my organizational deficiencies, but often it just happens at the worst times and with an overly emotional reaction from HJ that was driving me nuts.

Here is a typical scene: Getting ready to go out the door for preschool, HJ sees one of Lila's Mickey Mouse sleepers in the corner. Not only does she have to take it to school, she now has to find the other sleeper from the Disney Store that she considers "matching" with the Mickey Mouse one. Problem is, Mommy has no idea where the other sleeper is. It could be in the laundry room, the diaper bag, Lila's room upstairs, who knows. "We'll find it later," I tell HJ and try to usher her out the door but the damage is already done. HJ must find the sleeper, or she cannot go to school. If she does not find the sleeper, she will not be able to move on, literally, which she demonstrates by repeatedly asking for the sleeper, at first politely, "Please, Mommy!" but then with increasing urgency until it is a full-blown tantrum with no chance of reasoning with her. By this time, I am feeling completely out of control myself and Lila is more often than not crying as well. Sometimes we miraculously find the object that HJ is looking for, other times I somehow force her into the car and we just get to wherever we need to go, but not without a lot of tears, frustration, and bad feelings for everyone.

I've gotten a lot of suggestions from others, which I'm sure have worked for other parents, ranging from getting rid of a lot of her "stuff," to reorganizing and labeling her playroom, or simply ignoring what she is asking for. A friend even suggested medicating her for anxiety if she was a little older. We have actually tried many of these ideas (minus the medication) to some extent, but the problem is nothing seems to provide a long-term solution. My worry is that HJ will be forever unable to function with this inability to move on when she fixates on something that she needs at the moment. Sol keeps reassuring me that things will get better, and that HJ will slowly learn to cope with these issues of hers, just as everyone else learns to deal with whatever issues they have. He used an example of how he also cannot function or "move on" when he sees a mess around the house. Everything must go in the place it belongs before he can relax. Poor Sol and HJ, they both have to live with someone like me who most of the time doesn't even notice the mess. I am one of those people who would probably be oblivious to the sky falling down around me if I was focused on something else.

One night after a particularly bad episode with HJ, I came across a book called The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene. I haven't even gotten halfway through the book, but I'm cautiously optimistic that this approach will give me some practical ways to deal with HJ's meltdowns. "Easily frustrated" and "chronically inflexible" seem to be pretty accurate ways to describe HJ, at least in those moments where she is likely to have these meltdowns. Although the labels sound negative, the book so far has given me a much more sympathetic perspective on what is possibly going on in HJ's mind and how to help her during these times. Again, it kind of comes back to something not functioning entirely correctly in her brain when she is having these moments of anxiety and emotional overload. The book suggests that we as parents have to remain calm during these episodes and essentially serve as our child's "frontal lobe" until she develops the part of her brain where she can verbalize and effectively respond to frustration. It's an interesting idea, and with my mother's instinct, I do feel that this partially explains what is going on with HJ. Early on, the book also mentions that children with language delays are more likely to have difficulty problem-solving and expressing their frustration in a productive manner.

It's only been a couple days since I've tried implementing some of the collaborative problem-solving and sympathizing that the book suggests, and already I've seen it work. It almost seems too simple, but it also requires some on-the-spot creativity that I'm going to have to get better at. For example, the other night, we were quickly approaching meltdown mode late in the evening before HJ's bedtime when HJ kept insisting that she had to see Nee, Mimi, and Ha-ji at that very moment. I could feel my blood pressure rising as HJ's "Please, Mommy!" started becoming louder and more urgent, when Sol jumped in and said calmly, "You want to see Nee, Mimi, and Ha-ji? How about we call them?" HJ literally stopped in her tracks and you could see the wheels turning in her head. "Ok," she said, and phew, one phone call later, tantrum and meltdown avoided!

And today, on the way home after a long morning of errands and driving around, we were passing by the mall, when HJ suddenly started requesting, "Mommy, please, please can we go to the mall?" I had to think of something quickly. A simple "No, not now," wasn't working, and HJ was approaching her cranky need to take a nap immediately stage. "Do you want to go the mall?" I asked her. "Did you want to go to the play area? How about we set up a play area at home instead?" I ventured. And phew, another meltdown averted. It appeared her real desire was not to go the mall, but just to have some time to play and run around after being cooped up in the car all day. "Ok," said HJ. "We clean up the mess and play at home," she agreed. Of course, HJ had to throw in that part about cleaning up the mess!

It's not that I don't want HJ to respect me, or ideally just comply when I tell her not to do something, but just telling her not to get so upset with whatever was bothering her was clearly not working. And the more successes we both have in problem-solving this way, I'm hoping the meltdowns will be less frequent and that my patience and understanding for my spirited little girl will only grow.