Freaking out about kindergarten

HJ's letter and number artwork in the bath :)

When I told Sol after HJ's school conference that "I need to step it up" regarding her academics, he literally started laughing at me. Ok, I know that stepping it up at her age may sound ridiculous and that she is only possibly going to kindergarten next year, and that it is still 7 months away, but the beginning of kindergarten just seems to signify so much more to me ... And even more so because it concerns my spirited little HJ.

Yes, in July of this year HJ will be turning five years old, meaning she is at the age where she should go to kindergarten. But, to be completely truthful, I can't really reconcile the idea that she will really be five. Not just in a "But she's still my baby!" kind of way, but in a deeper sense I have that she is still catching up to other kids her age... Yes, she's four now, but I see in her so many things that make me think she is more similar to peers who are three, and I'm not talking about just academically. Sometimes HJ actually says crazy things like, "I don't want to be four! I want to be three..." Either she's intuitively picking up my own anxieties or she's the only child on this planet who wants to age backwards. Some of her closest friends are three years old, her BFF Jordan from school, her best buddies from church, Justin and Justin, both three. She just clicks with them and has fun, laughing and running around together holding hands. The four and five year old girls in Sunday School? She likes them, but while they're playing house and fighting over who gets to be the mom and who has to be the dog, she's just not interested...

Is it strange that I still believe she's catching up from being adopted at the age of 15 months? I know that didn't set her back to being a newborn when she arrived in our family, but I can't shake the feeling that it had a significant impact. And although I don't want that to be an excuse or a "I make everything about adoption" kind of reaction, personally as a parent it makes me understand HJ a little better. When she didn't start walking until 17 months, didn't start speaking until after the age of two, when she is still struggling to pedal a tricycle or do things independently, I remind myself, well she's had a lot to overcome, and it makes me take a step back and breathe a little easier.

So basically Sol asked, "Why are you worrying about kindergarten now? Is there anything you'd do differently?" And I realized, yes there is! Maybe I really do need to pull out those Kumon workbooks like my friends use with their kids, and get them to write their letters over and over again, instead of thinking that her Dora Learn ABCs app on the iPad is good enough? But maybe I have a certain bias against workbooks, thinking they remind me too much of tiger moms of a previous generation than the kind of open-minded, creative parent that I think I should be? And as much as I know I'm not supposed to compare my kid to others, sometimes I find it's the only way I have of trying to see if I'm totally missing the boat!

I do have to say I've come full circle from all the fears I've had about putting HJ in special ed. At this moment, I love what the special ed class has done for HJ's confidence, social skills, and general attitude toward school, and I love the caring and individual attention that she gets from her therapists and teachers. I mean, everyone pretty much agrees that she is just thriving there. It pains me to think of how much she may have missed out on when we made the decision to put her in regular preschool when she turned three. First of all, I think there was just too much going on for her at that time, having just moved to a new house and a new town, and still getting used to the idea of having a baby sister around... And if I hold to my idea that she is really about a year younger than she is, she was like a scared, little two-year old girl going to preschool and having no idea what was going on. The teachers there were also loving and nurturing, but she just didn't have the social and verbal skills at the time to be really successful.

Ok, now I realize I have probably gone completely overboard with all this analysis of HJ's preschool and kindergarten, but it is always at these decision points that I go nuts regarding what is best for HJ. Although I logically know that she will most likely be fine in whatever placement she has, there is this mama bear part of me that just wants the BEST for her, not just what's good enough. I don't want her to miss out by being in the wrong environment for her, or with a teacher that's not a good fit for her, or struggling when she could be thriving. If that's what it means to be a tiger mom, I guess I may be in denial about being one after all.