A mother's instinct

A dear, dear friend who is also adopting recently had a baby shower where we were asked to share "words of wisdom" and good old-fashioned advice for the new mom. I always struggle with being put on the spot in situations like this, but this time I knew just what I wanted to say. Basically, "You're going to get a lot of advice. But trust yourself. Trust your gut. You will know what to do for your baby because you're the mom."

It's not that I'm against getting advice from other people. In fact, I think I'm the type of person that attracts an unusually large amount of "well, this worked for me" or "why don't you try it this way" kind of advice... Maybe it's because I look so frazzled running around with two kids all the time? I actually had a stranger stop me at the grocery store and ask, "Is there anything I can do to help?" as I struggled to put Lila in the Ergo while HJ was tugging at my hand and simultaneously holding a million of her security items...

In any case, I think the best advice I've gotten in the past 2.5 years since HJ came home was from a pastor and another adoptive parent with four other kids. After a particularly stressful parenting situation erupted involving another mom and her child (soon after Lila was born and my emotions were running even higher than usual), he essentially told me, "Listen. No one knows your child like you do. And many of the people giving you advice are not adoptive parents themselves. So do what's best for your child." When I heard those words spoken to me, I felt this immense relief, like a huge burden had been lifted from me. I had been bracing myself for more "helpful" words such as, "You need to be more consistent. You need to be more structured. Your child doesn't respect you" etc... But when he said, "No one knows your child like you do," I suddenly knew that was the truth. 

Now I'm also not saying that people who haven't adopted can't give good advice to people with adopted kids. It's just that I've noticed that there's this automatic connection between adoptive parents where you just "get each other." I kind of liken it to the way that as a Korean-American, there are certain things I just get about other people who are second-generation and grew up with first-generation immigrant parents. There are some things you have gone through that are similar enough, despite our individual personalities and life circumstances, that cause you to have a shared reality.
 
On the other hand, my mom recently remarked how strange it was that I'm like an old school Korean mama, meaning I sleep with my girls, I sometimes feed Lila on my lap, and both seem permanently attached to me (on my front or back, sometimes at the same time!)... And according to my mom, they are spoiled rotten.

I used to joke that I would never "spoil" Lila the way that they coddled HJ when she was in Korea that first year of her life... but now that I have an infant, I'm the one eating my own words... Honestly, it's just what works best for our family at this point in our lives. And it doesn't mean I pass judgment on others who choose to parent their kids another way. Actually, just today at church I was commiserating with a couple other moms who also co-sleep with their babies about both the joys and pains of sleeping together with your little one(s). In our circle we're the ones who are the rarity for not having successfully sleep-trained, and I often confess I feel embarrassed about it! Funny that in Korea it's still the norm... I should have thought more carefully about the whole sleep issue before buying that expensive and currently unused crib from Pottery Barn...Wishful thinking at the time I guess.

Don't know what it is about being a mom, but deep down I think there's always this insecurity that you're not doing everything right. Well, scratch that. For sure you're not doing everything right, but add in a dose of perfectionism and high-achievement, Asian-American, goal-oriented, comparison-driven nature, and the competitiveness of parenting can sometimes get a little out of hand. For example, I've never heard these words actually spoken out loud to me, but there's sometimes this subtle undertone I hear, and it might be coming from myself, "Oh you're just a stay-at-home mom? Kind of a waste of your master's degree, no?" Or, "Why do you need a break? You're home all day and not working..."

I recently was lucky enough, thanks to my understanding husband, parents, and sister, to get away for a girls' weekend trip WITHOUT THE KIDS. The reactions I got from other moms were great, ranging from the lines of "You go, girl!" to "Wow, that's pretty nice of your husband" to "I wish I would've done that" or "I did that last year and it was the best thing ever...." When I was totally stressed the day I was leaving, my mom called me and said, "Don't worry about your kids. Go and have fun. We'll take care of them," and honestly I felt like crying because that was the best thing to hear at the moment when I was seriously thinking I was crazy for leaving my 8 month old and very demanding 3 year old for three nights...And yes, I couldn't sleep the first night at all, probably because I didn't have both my kids hanging all over me, and I was worried whether they were getting any sleep at all, but by the morning after the second night I was finally able to relax and reflect on how good life was, not because I was away from the kids, but because of them and because I actually had the time to appreciate my family.

Now it's back to life, back to reality, with barely a moment to think other than late at night, early in the morning, or when the kids are napping, as long as I haven't fallen asleep myself! But you know as they say, I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. I just wish I had more time to enjoy it before these days pass me by...