If Only

Our kindergarten dilemma continues... This week we went to visit my sister's kindergarten class, just for fun and because HJ has been always been unusually interested in whatever Mimi eemo is teaching in her class...

She of course loved the visit, and I felt like she could have stayed there all day. That is, if kindergarten only involved eating goldfish, making crafts, doing puzzles, and having your mom, favorite aunt, and little sister with you at all times.

I started going down this "if only" path ... even considering, hmm, maybe Sol or I could get a job at Allstate so that HJ could be eligible to be in Mimi's class. Wouldn't that be great? She'd be so comfortable and secure.

My sister quickly brought me back to reality. 

I've been thinking lately, that maybe I've gone too far to the side of wanting to protect my little girl... 

Especially with this kindergarten situation. I want her to have the perfect teacher, the perfect classroom, the perfect school... Not in every aspect, but in being perfect for her. But is that even possible, or am I just putting myself, and HJ, on the road to disappointment? 

And not only kindergarten, but what about every choice and decision making point that we'll come across in the future? I'm sure it's not going to get any easier as she gets older. The stakes will just get higher, and we'll have to ask ourselves, how much in our lives, and HJ's life, are we actually able to control? And really, we can't protect her from everything... From heartache, or failure, or hardship... 

But I do know that God has His hand on her life. From the moment she was born, even before she was born, He knew her and had specific plans for our little girl. Plans to bring her into our family for a reason. And I never want to forget that. 

A few months before we brought HJ home from Korea, Sol and I went to hear Richard Stearns, the CEO of World Vision, speak at Willowcreek. Due to a travel delay, he wasn't able to make it to the service. But I remember there was an African children's choir there that night, many of whom were orphans. One of them, a little girl, sang a song that I've always held on to for HJ ever since. The song begins like this:

I have a maker
Before my heart,
before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

I have a father,
he calls me his own
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go...