Simple Revelations

So today was finally our back to normal day. The hectic activity and fun of spring break had come to an end and we were back to our daily routine.  And although it happens after the conclusion of every weekend, holiday, special occasion, or vacation, I'm still surprised each time by how much HJ thrives when she knows what to expect and she feels secure and comfortable once again.

She had a good day today. She woke up happy, after a relatively good night's sleep, and she did her best to be nice to Lila pretty much all day. There were a few tears, a few would-be tantrums, and a little bit of "I don't want to go to school, Mommy!" -- but it was soon overcome by reminders of seeing "all her friends" and her favorite teachers Mrs. G and Mrs. S.

She was actually doing so well this morning that she was happy and willing to go to what Sol and I have been calling the "play place" aka child care center at the gym, and actually ok with Mommy going to exercise while she stayed with the new teachers and Lila.

It seemed like every other stay-at-home mom and their toddlers and young kids had the same idea after spring break, because there had to have been close to 30 kids running around in the child care center. Honestly, I was panicking when I saw how many kids there were, knowing that the potential for conflicts, meltdowns, and over stimulation would only be heightened with that many kids. Plus, it was HJ and Lila's first time being dropped off there, and as I clearly remember, though wish I could forget, one bad experience like we had at the Y last year, could easily mean the end of ever going to the child care center again for HJ...

Thankfully, all went well to my amazement. I kept waiting to hear them calling my name over the speakers... And I couldn't really concentrate on the treadmill as I kept picturing various scenarios of how it could all go so badly with that many kids and HJ in an unfamiliar place. But my worry, at least for today, was unfounded, and when I went to pick them up an hour later, HJ proudly told me how she "took care of Lila," and kept Lila's Minnie mouse thermos safe from all the little boys trying to take it away. It figures. That shouldn't surprise me either. When HJ has a job to do, like protecting her little sister, nothing is going to stop her from getting it done!

I was really proud of HJ today. The other night I was telling Sol how I just wished we could make it through a day without any tantrums. And he reminded me that although I may not be able to control how HJ reacts in every situation, (and believe me, there's sometimes nothing I want more than to minimize every possible scenario for a tantrum!) I can always control how I will respond to those tantrums. I mean, it's so obvious, right? But for me, it was good to hear that. It made me feel at peace... Knowing that no matter how rough of a day HJ has, I can still choose to respond with love, with God's help of course... It's not always going to be easy, but I was trying my best today not to yell, lose my temper, or get agitated with every little crisis that was about to erupt during the day... And it gives me hope... Hopefully things are looking up again for us. It's been a long, long winter...

HJ was all smiles after school today, talking about their new unit on flowers and springtime. She's also been asking Sol about planting flowers in the garden and setting up the princess pool in the backyard... This girl is definitely ready for a new season...And so am I...

Polite as a Princess

HJ and her cousin E

Phew, it's been a rough couple weeks for our family, especially HJ. Last night while she was sleeping, I heard HJ say very clearly, "Nooooo! I don't want to share... You're not my cousin anymore!" So as much as she loved having her cousin E from California visit, playing dress-up with her and running around holding hands, there's been more than a bit of lingering anxiety about having to share her toys.

To add to the fun, Grandma from Korea was visiting too, which HJ loved, but it required some extra adjusting for everyone. What HJ actually loved was going up to the guest room and trying to wake up a still jet-lagged grandma by knocking loudly on the door and saying, "Yoo-hoo! Grandma!" and barging in, with Lila not far behind.

Grandma has been very patient, trying to teach them life lessons by reading them books like "No more Junk Food" and "Polite as a Princess," and trying to show HJ how to use different colors when she paints. Unfortunately, HJ has not been so kind in return, telling Grandma, "I don't need help!" and proceeding to paint the entire piece of paper brown.


Topping it all off, we've had a couple dentist appointments (broken filling probably from her grinding her teeth at night), resulting in one successful cleaning/xray appointment and one spectacular failure of an appointment today -- literally being carried to the dentist against her will, refusing the laughing gas, reconsidering for a moment as she was shown a tempting basket of prizes, and ultimately rescheduling for another time when she would be feeling better. Or another time when Daddy may be able to help Mommy out, because HJ is getting just too big for Mommy to physically force her to do anything.

And in the midst of everything, HJ still says and does those little things that make me laugh and help me make it through the day.

Like the other day, when HJ was bringing home her updated IEP in her backpack, she took it out and pretended to read it to me. According to HJ, the "note" said, "We will be having swimming class tomorrow. Please wear your swimsuit to school."

Or her tendency to sing old school gospel songs to herself lately, which comes from watching her current favorite DVD, "100 Bible Songs" -- where she doesn't quite know the words, but she stills sings with confidence anyway, "Go, tell it on the children, over the mountains and everywhere!" or "Knock, knock, knocking, if anyone hear my voice, if anyone hear my voice, I will come in!"

One week of spring break to go, and hopefully things will be "back to normal" relatively soon... Although I may just have to accept that this is as normal as things are going to get for us these days...

One year later...

HJ March 2012 (yes, she's wearing a winnie the pooh nightgown to school)

We had our IEP annual review for HJ today. I didn't realize how stressed I was about it until it was over! Last year's meeting was such a big ordeal for us. It was the time we decided to take HJ out of her regular preschool and put her into the special ed program. It was the first time we officially learned about her diagnosis of apraxia. And last year Lila was also at the meeting causing a little ruckus, so I'm sure that didn't help matters.

This year, it was smooth sailing, in more ways than one. First of all, Lila was happily staying with our neighbor and her BFF zoey, so we had no distractions. And more importantly, we knew and trusted all of HJ's teachers and therapists, which made everything easier. The overall message I took away from the meeting was encouraging... They gave us example after example of how much she had blossomed in the past year. How she had gone from struggling with saying the ending sounds of words to telling them stories about Daddy's bday and Lila's antics. How she went from being shy and quiet in class to coming in and saying, "Hi guys, I'm here!"

She still has a diagnosis of apraxia, although the speech therapist said it was more mild than moderate now. We realized that she can sing a lot of the words and sounds (r, l) that she can't normally say correctly, and we learned that's because singing is more automated and uses a different part of the brain whereas speaking is spontaneous and a very complex process in comparison. And she still has low muscle tone, so much so that they have her sit in a chair during group time rather than on the floor, and she still has some personal space/social issues at times...

The end result, though, appears to be that all her teachers and therapists seem to be recommending that she move on to kindergarten. It will be a special ed program, but it will probably be all day, so I'm still nervous about how she'll handle that. Her occupational therapist said, I think HJ will be able to rise to the occasion... I'm hoping so. I don't want to underestimate her or overprotect her, with my mama bear tendencies, and I do have peace about the decision for now. They will make a final determination closer to the end of the school year, in May. Until then, I'm going to keep praying about it, trusting God, and maybe getting my sister to tutor her in her letters and phonics... I know, she's only four... But I guess I'm still a Korean American mom (aka tiger mom) at heart! With all the progress she's made this past year, who knows how far along she will be at her next annual review. Really, overall, I'm just thankful for how far she's come...

40 (+1) Reasons HJ and Lila Love Their Daddy

For Sol's 40th bday today... From HJ & Lila

1. You're always happy to see us
2. You never forget to kiss us goodbye
3. You tell us lots of stories about when you were 4 years old
4. You read us Barbie books, Corduroy, and Curious George
5. You let us snuggle with you in the rocking chair
6. You help me go to sleep EVERY night (HJ)
7. You let me watch Barney over and over again (lila)
8. You cook the best blueberry pancakes for breakfast
9. You cook the best eggs (better than mommy)
10. You provide for us everyday
11. You give us piggy back rides
12. You read the Bible to us
13. You hold us during worship time at church
14. You held me through the whole sermon when I fell asleep (lila)
15. You're always patient
16. You never ever yell
17. You pray and fast for us
18. You teach us how to be wise with our money
19. You let us do facetime and skype with you when you're not at home (and sometimes when you are)
20. You can be silly and goofy
21. You can fix anything!
22. You buy the best prizes and special surprises
23. You make good decisions for us
24. You're nice to mommy :)
25. You make us feel like princesses
26. You help other people in need
27. You are generous
28. You spend lots of time with us even when you're busy
29. You are good at puzzles (especially the tricky 3-D one) (HJ)
30. You go with us to birthday parties and other kids stuff :)
31. You took me down the pump it up slide a million times (lila)
32. You understand us
33. You let us garden with you
34. You shovel the snow for us
35. You cut the grass for us
36. You take us on long walks in the double stroller
37. You wake up early so you can play with us before you go to work
38. You always know how to make us laugh
39. You know how to get us out of a bad mood
40. You let us "play golf" with you in the house
41. And, you never say you're too old to play restaurant and tea party with us, too :)

WE LOVE YOU! HAPPY 40th BDAY!

If Only

Our kindergarten dilemma continues... This week we went to visit my sister's kindergarten class, just for fun and because HJ has been always been unusually interested in whatever Mimi eemo is teaching in her class...

She of course loved the visit, and I felt like she could have stayed there all day. That is, if kindergarten only involved eating goldfish, making crafts, doing puzzles, and having your mom, favorite aunt, and little sister with you at all times.

I started going down this "if only" path ... even considering, hmm, maybe Sol or I could get a job at Allstate so that HJ could be eligible to be in Mimi's class. Wouldn't that be great? She'd be so comfortable and secure.

My sister quickly brought me back to reality. 

I've been thinking lately, that maybe I've gone too far to the side of wanting to protect my little girl... 

Especially with this kindergarten situation. I want her to have the perfect teacher, the perfect classroom, the perfect school... Not in every aspect, but in being perfect for her. But is that even possible, or am I just putting myself, and HJ, on the road to disappointment? 

And not only kindergarten, but what about every choice and decision making point that we'll come across in the future? I'm sure it's not going to get any easier as she gets older. The stakes will just get higher, and we'll have to ask ourselves, how much in our lives, and HJ's life, are we actually able to control? And really, we can't protect her from everything... From heartache, or failure, or hardship... 

But I do know that God has His hand on her life. From the moment she was born, even before she was born, He knew her and had specific plans for our little girl. Plans to bring her into our family for a reason. And I never want to forget that. 

A few months before we brought HJ home from Korea, Sol and I went to hear Richard Stearns, the CEO of World Vision, speak at Willowcreek. Due to a travel delay, he wasn't able to make it to the service. But I remember there was an African children's choir there that night, many of whom were orphans. One of them, a little girl, sang a song that I've always held on to for HJ ever since. The song begins like this:

I have a maker
Before my heart,
before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

I have a father,
he calls me his own
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go...

Big Sister

Now that Lila is 1.5, she is picking up a lot of things from her big sis HJ. That includes fashion sense, how to sing her ABCs, and how to be pretty feisty and still look cute while getting her way.

Of course, that's not to say there's more than a considerable amount of sibling rivalry in our home. Usually, it involves Lila wanting anything and everything that HJ has, and HJ responding by screaming, "NO! LILA! That's not for babies!" followed by running away with said object, or sometimes, a wrestling match with Lila obviously losing, or in rare moments of generosity, trading the sought after toy for something clearly not equal (i.e. a random piece of paper or broken crayon, etc...).

But, at the same time, HJ really kind of loves being the big sister. In addition to always having a playmate she can somewhat control, I think she genuinely likes being helpful... The best way I've found to encourage her in her helpful big sister role, versus the "No! Lila!" don't touch my stuff big sister persona, is to sing a somewhat ridiculous song we've adpated from Caillou, which goes something like... "Big sister, big sister, she knows how to ... " insert whatever action she has done that is helpful "help me brush my teeth!" "Big sister, big sister, she knows how to share her ipad with me!" "Big sister, big sister..." you get the picture....

I don't know why, but HJ positively beams whenever we sing that song, and she seems to be extra sweet to Lila immediately following, even too sweet... Meaning, she will give her things that Mommy and Daddy have been trying hard not to give to Lila. Whenever we see Lila looking guilty with another piece of candy or chocolate in her mouth, we don't even have to ask where she got it... Yes, it's "Big sister, big sister..."

Mostly, though, I'm just loving having two girls and reminiscing fondly about the old days with me and my little sis, who I still consider my best friend and the one person other than Sol that totally and completely gets me. I can only hope my girls grow up with the same kind of closeness. So HJ, just want you to know, keep being nice to your little sis, there's really nothing in the world like having someone who knows everything about you and still loves you just the same.

Lost & Found

This is pretty much how we all felt last week, shortly after I posted all about sunny days and rainbows. Sol was in Mexico for work the entire week, I was going crazy turning the house upside down looking for two ipods that had "gone missing" or had been mysteriously misplaced by HJ into one of her many hiding places, the smoke detector battery kept beeping, and I literally felt I was living a "Friends" or "Modern Family" episode, especially when I thought I had broken both the dishwasher and the vacuum in one day. On top of that we had a kindergarten info meeting where I was probably the only parent there who already felt like crying when they said, "Welcome, class of 2026!"

And, this is pretty much how we felt when Daddy finally came home. Life was good. Both ipods mysteriously reappeared in the bottom of a bag full of princess pull-ups, HJ slept through the night without waking up, and we went to another kindergarten meeting where I almost cried, again, when they started talking about drop-off and eating in the cafeteria. Sol said, "What are you going to do when she goes to college?" Not going to think that far ahead right now. Gotta make it through preschool first.

And, in reality, this is pretty much all we've been doing every morning, recovering from last week and Daddy being out of town. I'd be a pretty horrible single mom. I don't know how all those moms do it whose husbands travel every week. Welcome home, Daddy. We missed you. More than you know...